Theo created the topic: The Path and its Fistfuls of Mist
Sometimes I wonder.
Sometimes I wonder if all this yearning I have for spiritual growth is simply a desire for some overriding sense of order and not some calling to an actual higher reality. I've been here 51 years and I can say that age + regret can be a motivator for seeking as materialism becomes less important because 1) it is not important and 2) frankly, it is less achievable at a certain point.
So I seek...I seek for answers and meaning. I seek some kind of confirmation that what I am doing everyday matters on a level that is deeper than the hardscrabble slog of daily existence. At the bottom of this I'm basically hoping that somebody/something is in charge and has a plan.
I have had no convincing varsity level spiritual experience that expels all doubt. I had one event 5 or so years ago while meditating when my awareness expanded and got very white and light filled. Then I heard a voice say, in an amused way, "Why do you spend so much time looking outside when everything you want is inside." Then my awareness re-focused back to here and now. That was pretty cool but also pretty darn generic. . Maybe it was my higher self.
Maybe it was Rumi. Then again, maybe it was just ME. Things get very dodgy in my subjective mindscape and I can't tell if something like that was just me wanting to have that kind of experience or a real interjection. Perhaps there is no difference and doesn't matter if it has the same effect. It just bugs me a little that I could just be subconsciously making it up and then believing my own fiction.
Of course, it doesn't help that everywhere I look, there are people who claim to have had legitimate other dimensional experiences and purport to know what is going. All I really know is what I read or watched from somebody else. So basically, my spiritual reference points are somebody else's and I'm just adopting them in the absence of having my own.
Except for what I feel. I feel a strong urge to seek. I feel like it is the right thing to do. I feel love. I feel my heart open when I let it and this brings me joy. I feel a deep connection with other people when I am doing my best to help them. I feel a strong connection to the Earth: the land, the ocean, the forests, the sky, the animals: it all gives me that sense of a hidden, interpenetrating design that brings me more peace than anything my own mind can concoct.
So really, I am going on feeling(s). Not so much intuition but more like a directional sensor that gives me a heart ping when I am headed the right way. Is it enough? I would have to say yes, because if I say it isn't and sit around waiting for a metaphysical brick upside my head I may miss a lifetime of opportunities to grow on my own steam. Sometimes though it feels like all my work is like trying to grab a handful of mist or maybe just air. After the effort, there isn't really anything there but perhaps I learned something in the process.
It probably serves to maintain my free will. Ra says they offer Truth without proof so any being can accept or reject it freely. Ra also says that some of the paranormal stuff is for people who need a little nudge from the infinite/mysterious to get them on the right path. Maybe because I'm on the path already and so I don't need the nudge.